Reason #48
In October, the storm hit. For the next 3 months, I endured the brunt of a storm that I felt would never end. During this time, I still had to carry on with life as usual – not an easy task. I will take a moment to brag on my family, friends and co-workers. These people stepped up and carried some heavy loads for me that I just couldn’t handle at the time. Even simple tasks such as eating, going to the store, and doing laundry were too much for me to deal with. I have the joy of getting to work with new employees each week, but this can take a lot out of a person. I was forced to constantly be on my best behavior, be positive and encouraging, and spend a ton of one on one time acting as if my life was completely normal and everything was fine. Of course, inside, I was crumbling and fighting off dark feelings, but I had to learn how to keep my personal and work life separate. During these months, I’m sure my co-workers thought I had contracted a serious bladder problem, as I took many trips to the restroom. Because I am constantly working with new employees, I don’t have much alone time. I didn’t have the option to hideout in my office and avoid human interaction. The only way I could get away for a few minutes was to go to the restroom. I would spend many moments standing in the handicapped stall whispering prayers and fighting back tears. I’m so grateful to serve a God who is willing to meet his child anywhere, restroom stalls included. I needed these moments alone with my Savior so desperately. I knew he was the only one holding me together, so when I began feeling like I was falling apart, off to the restroom I went.
I have vivid dreams. My mind never seems to stop and lately, its been running full speed ahead. The unfortunate effect of having an overactive mind is that those thoughts continue into dreams. I wish I had an internal switch that I could flip off at night to ensure I didn’t have dreams. I just want to rest, mind and body. I did a little Wikipedia research on dreams and this is what I found. “Dreams are successions of images, ideas, emotions and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. Dreams have been seen as a connection to the unconscious. They range from normal and ordinary to overly surreal and bizarre. The events in dreams are generally outside the control of the dreamer…” I woke this morning from a vivid dream that set my day in motion and preoccupied my thoughts. Oh, how I wish for a little brain door that I could shut to keep unwanted thoughts out.
So I stood in the handicapped stall this morning. I wasn’t sure what to pray but I just needed a moment with him. I just needed a moment to close my eyes and breathe. I needed a moment to just try to focus. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” I suppose that’s what I’m trying to accomplish during these moments. I just want the world to stop for a second and I want to feel his presence. I want my thoughts to stop, I want my worries to stop, I want my sadness to stop, I want my wishful thinking to stop, and I just want to be still and know; know that it’s going to be okay. Know that he sees me. Know that he’s going to keep carrying me. Know that even though my world is constantly changing, he is always constant.
Some things in life we have control over, but many things are out of our control. Dreams are an example of things that we cannot control. I have faced and continue to face situations that I have no control over, and so comes the question, “What will I allow to control me?” Will my thoughts control me? Will my circumstances control me? Will my worry control me? Will my feelings control me? Will my dreams control me? Will my flesh control me? I will remember that, "[I am] not controlled by [my] sinful nature. [I am] controlled by the Spirit [because I] have the Spirit of God living in [me]." (Romans 8:9)
#48 - Because he is in control.
“Whatever he wants to do, he does. He will do to me whatever he has planned. He controls my destiny.” - Job 23:13-14
"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace." Romans 8:5-6