Reason #55

I had to “take care of business” again today. Actually, I think I only have to “take care of business” one more time and I’ll be done. I’ve had to sign way too many papers over the past few months. Papers I didn’t want to sign and papers I hope to never sign again. In fact, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy to have to sign the papers I’ve had to sign. It’s just paper and ink, but it solidifies. Paper and ink changes who you are and what you have.

So I signed a lot of papers this morning. As I signed these papers, I was feeling a little sad and mad that I had to go through this process. See, I had to resign papers for something that is already mine. And pay more money for something that I already own. It seems so ridiculous and frustrates me to no end, but as I signed those papers, I began to feel grateful. I began to feel so fortunate and blessed. I began to feel a little overwhelmed at what I was doing. Not overwhelmed in a negative sense but overwhelmed that I was even capable of signing these papers. So you’re probably wondering, “What papers is she taking about?” I suppose it would be more helpful if I told you so that you’d fully understand my story. I had to refinance my house, so I closed on my new mortgage loan this morning. I paid to sign papers for a house that I already live in and own. But now I own it. I am solely responsible for it, and I carry the burden of debt on my shoulders. And I praise God that this morning, I signed about a hundred papers in royal blue ink.

This might sound strange to you that I’m rejoicing over the fact that I get to stay in my house. A few months ago, I didn’t know if this would be a possibility. A few months ago I fully expected to be packing boxes and apartment hunting. A few months ago, I didn’t know how I was going to afford living in my house or if I would even get to stay in my house. A few months ago, I began praying that the Lord would provide. I told him again and again that I was completely depending on him. When I looked at my situation on paper, there was no way it was going to work. But to our God, it’s just paper and ink. He is the one who solidifies. Well, a few months ago he provided. And in one week, my answered prayer will be moving in.

I was listening to Phil Wickham as I drove to the title company this morning. One of my favorite songs began to play and my heart just swelled with praise as I sang the chorus.

“You are holy, great and mighty.

The moon and the stars declare who you are.

I’m so unworthy, but still you love me.

Forever my heart will sing of how great you are.”

I began to realize this morning how unworthy I am. He saved me, he rescued me, he lifted me up, he carried me, he held me, he surrounded me, he provided for me, he met my every need, he blessed me, he walked with me, he brought justice, he danced over me, he quieted me, he strengthened me, he loved me, he fought for me… and he keeps on doing these things and more. And I am so unworthy. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” I don’t understand, but I trust. I trust because of what he has done and what he is doing. I don’t understand how he does it and frankly, I don’t need to. I simply need to seek him, and friends, I can testify that when you do, he WILL show you the path to take.

And so I realize that that the only paper and ink that really matters is the living, breathing word of God. For this paper and ink solidifies. It will change who you are and what you have.

#55 – Because he gives me so much more than I am worthy of!

“I am not worthy of all the unfailing love and faithfulness you have shown to me, your servant.” – Genesis 32:10