Reason #67
Tonight, I am going to be brave. Tonight, I am going to do something I'm scared to do. Something I have avoided. Something that the Lord is gently breaking me of. Tonight, I am going to lay my pride and my fear aside. Tonight, I am going to share with you my testimony. My story.
I was so blessed to be raised in a family with a strong heritage of faith. A family who loves Jesus wholeheartedly. A family who strives to honor him. A family of warriors. I remember talking to my parents as a little girl about "asking Jesus into my heart." They told me that I would just know when he was "knocking on the door of my heart." I remember that day like it was yesterday. A day that will be forever etched into my mind. I was 7 years old. My dad and I were sitting in the pew on a Sunday night and my mom was singing in the choir. The end of the service came and the pastor gave the invitation. And I felt it. It was is if my heart skipped a beat and my stomach turned inside out. I knew it was him. This was it. I just knew it! In that moment, I knew I needed to ask Jesus to be my Savior. I asked my dad if I could go talk with the pastor. He was a little caught off guard and said, "Let's get your mom after church and we'll all go together." And I just lost it. I started sobbing because I knew my life was depending on this. I couldn't wait. So we rushed after the service to find my mom and the three of us sat in the pastor's office as I asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. At the young age of 7, I knew with my whole heart that I was making the best decision I could ever make.
I grew up in the bible belt, so I was surrounded by believers. In fact, pretty much everyone I knew went to church. It was a real challenge to find someone who had never been to church or heard of Jesus. If they weren't regular church goers, they at least went on Easter and Christmas. Anyhow, I lived my life best I could. I wanted to make my family proud and I wanted the Lord to be pleased with me, too. It wasn't a real sacrifice to live what I considered a life that was pleasing to him. Sure, I wasn't super popular, was occasionally left out, and boys didn't really want to date me (you know, all the important things), but I had wonderful friends and a really blessed life. When I was a teenager I began to pray for my future husband. My parents have a beautiful marriage and I wanted the same for myself. I didn't know if I would be so lucky as to find someone who would want to take me on as their own, but I prayed that God would begin preparing our hearts for one another.
College began and it was a wonderful time in my life. I found an incredible church home and began to really grow in my faith. I had never faced a difficult circumstance, but I knew that God was all powerful. He had been so faithful to always provide for me and I knew that he always would. When I was 19 years old, I went on a mission trip with my church for spring break. This was a life changing trip for me. A turning point in my college career I suppose you could say. I built great relationships while on this trip, one that would forever impact my life... in ways I never imagined.
Two years after that mission trip, I married him... the one I met on mission trip... the one who would forever change my life. I stood in front of God and 400 plus people and I promised that I would love him through the good and the bad, sickness and health, until death. I had dreamed of this day since I was a little girl, and a perfect day it was. The dress, the decorations, the ceremony, the reception, the celebration... everything I had dreamed of and more. And I couldn't believe it. It had finally happened. My prayers had been answered.
On October 1, 2011 I was sitting in bed reading a magazine. He walked in and uttered the words I thought I would never hear. "I want a divorce." That was it. He just said it... like that. I was blind-sighted, shocked, devastated. I hoped he was just being dramatic. Surely he did not just say those words. And the tears flowed and the anxiety grew. The denial came, too. For 10 days he acted as nothing had happened. "Normal." I did the only thing I knew to do. My knees hit the floor and I prayed, desperately prayed. I knew that God could fix this. I knew that he was the only one who could repair, and I trusted that his will would prevail. I called on my friends and family and they stood with me and fought this battle.
In less than 3 weeks, he did it. He filed for divorce. It didn't matter what I said or what I did. His mind was made up. Surely this was not really happening. And I continued to battle. We had 60 days before anything could be finalized and I prayed for a miracle. I was going to trust. I was going to believe. I hoped my prayers would move mountains.
Then the words came. "This is your fault. I don't love you. We were never meant to be together. You make me so miserable. I've been unhappy for years. My only regret is that I didn't do something sooner." The others said, "You are contentious. He deserves better. You make him miserable. You tricked him into marrying you. You deceived him. This is all your fault. You had it coming." I believed the lies and I beat myself up. I tried every possible way to save my marriage. To win his heart back. To convince him that I wasn't this horrible monster. I begged for forgiveness. I begged for another chance. No mercy was shown. The lies continued.
My granddad is prayer warrior. One of the mightiest of warriors that I know. A man of integrity and wisdom. A man who has walked many years with Lord, and it shows. He prayed for truth. May the truth be known. We didn't understand. We needed answers. I prayed for truth, too. I know many others did as well. Truth began to unravel. Slowly in little hints. Our prayers were being answered. God was moving. Mountains were shaking. I didn't think I could handle the truth. Why was this happening? This isn't what I had prayed for. Oh, but God is faithful to answer the prayers of his children.
I have good friends. Brave, loyal friends. Friends of friends who stick up for what is right. A week before Christmas, the full truth came out because of my courageous friends. The ugly monster finally roared its head. I had hoped all along that this wasn't the truth, but it was. All the covering up, all the hiding, all the lying... it was exposed. At a bowling alley. And two days later, in my living room. An affair. This isn't what I had signed up for. The tables were turned now. Could I do this? Could we do this? I had made a vow, a commitment. Not only to him but to God. And I had meant every word that left my mouth on the wedding day. I was going to honor those words. I had prayed and begged for my marriage to be saved. If this was the way it was going to be saved, then I would be grateful and I would do what ever I had to do in order to repair the damage that was done. God is bigger than our mistakes so I had no doubt that with two willing hearts depending on Him, reconciliation would come.
But there were not two willing hearts. There was one willing heart left sitting in the counselor's office totally crushed. Abandoned. Rejected. Unwanted. Maybe even hated.
But He held that heart. He reminded that heart again and again how much He loved it. He reminded it how valuable it is to him. He poured out blessings on that heart. Some days, He drowned it in blessings. He gave that heart hope. He started to piece it back together. In fact, he still is. He whispered words of truth and love. He reminded that heart of his story of redemption.
And this heart chooses to believe... even if it doesn't understand. It believes in a God who is all powerful. A God who is bigger than any circumstance. This heart has felt His truths, seen them in action, seen them come to life. This heart has witnessed the power of prayer. He has kept this heart beating.
Many are the days I still can't believe this is my story. But everyday, I am reminded of how good he is. How he gives me what I don't deserve. Oh, how He deserves all the praise! I am blown away by his love for me. I am blown away by his provision. And I trust that he will bring beauty from ashes and purpose from pain, as He always does. For He who promises IS faithful.
#67 - because the story doesn't stop here.
"Come near to God and he will come near to you." - James 4:8
I was so blessed to be raised in a family with a strong heritage of faith. A family who loves Jesus wholeheartedly. A family who strives to honor him. A family of warriors. I remember talking to my parents as a little girl about "asking Jesus into my heart." They told me that I would just know when he was "knocking on the door of my heart." I remember that day like it was yesterday. A day that will be forever etched into my mind. I was 7 years old. My dad and I were sitting in the pew on a Sunday night and my mom was singing in the choir. The end of the service came and the pastor gave the invitation. And I felt it. It was is if my heart skipped a beat and my stomach turned inside out. I knew it was him. This was it. I just knew it! In that moment, I knew I needed to ask Jesus to be my Savior. I asked my dad if I could go talk with the pastor. He was a little caught off guard and said, "Let's get your mom after church and we'll all go together." And I just lost it. I started sobbing because I knew my life was depending on this. I couldn't wait. So we rushed after the service to find my mom and the three of us sat in the pastor's office as I asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. At the young age of 7, I knew with my whole heart that I was making the best decision I could ever make.
I grew up in the bible belt, so I was surrounded by believers. In fact, pretty much everyone I knew went to church. It was a real challenge to find someone who had never been to church or heard of Jesus. If they weren't regular church goers, they at least went on Easter and Christmas. Anyhow, I lived my life best I could. I wanted to make my family proud and I wanted the Lord to be pleased with me, too. It wasn't a real sacrifice to live what I considered a life that was pleasing to him. Sure, I wasn't super popular, was occasionally left out, and boys didn't really want to date me (you know, all the important things), but I had wonderful friends and a really blessed life. When I was a teenager I began to pray for my future husband. My parents have a beautiful marriage and I wanted the same for myself. I didn't know if I would be so lucky as to find someone who would want to take me on as their own, but I prayed that God would begin preparing our hearts for one another.
College began and it was a wonderful time in my life. I found an incredible church home and began to really grow in my faith. I had never faced a difficult circumstance, but I knew that God was all powerful. He had been so faithful to always provide for me and I knew that he always would. When I was 19 years old, I went on a mission trip with my church for spring break. This was a life changing trip for me. A turning point in my college career I suppose you could say. I built great relationships while on this trip, one that would forever impact my life... in ways I never imagined.
Two years after that mission trip, I married him... the one I met on mission trip... the one who would forever change my life. I stood in front of God and 400 plus people and I promised that I would love him through the good and the bad, sickness and health, until death. I had dreamed of this day since I was a little girl, and a perfect day it was. The dress, the decorations, the ceremony, the reception, the celebration... everything I had dreamed of and more. And I couldn't believe it. It had finally happened. My prayers had been answered.
On October 1, 2011 I was sitting in bed reading a magazine. He walked in and uttered the words I thought I would never hear. "I want a divorce." That was it. He just said it... like that. I was blind-sighted, shocked, devastated. I hoped he was just being dramatic. Surely he did not just say those words. And the tears flowed and the anxiety grew. The denial came, too. For 10 days he acted as nothing had happened. "Normal." I did the only thing I knew to do. My knees hit the floor and I prayed, desperately prayed. I knew that God could fix this. I knew that he was the only one who could repair, and I trusted that his will would prevail. I called on my friends and family and they stood with me and fought this battle.
In less than 3 weeks, he did it. He filed for divorce. It didn't matter what I said or what I did. His mind was made up. Surely this was not really happening. And I continued to battle. We had 60 days before anything could be finalized and I prayed for a miracle. I was going to trust. I was going to believe. I hoped my prayers would move mountains.
Then the words came. "This is your fault. I don't love you. We were never meant to be together. You make me so miserable. I've been unhappy for years. My only regret is that I didn't do something sooner." The others said, "You are contentious. He deserves better. You make him miserable. You tricked him into marrying you. You deceived him. This is all your fault. You had it coming." I believed the lies and I beat myself up. I tried every possible way to save my marriage. To win his heart back. To convince him that I wasn't this horrible monster. I begged for forgiveness. I begged for another chance. No mercy was shown. The lies continued.
My granddad is prayer warrior. One of the mightiest of warriors that I know. A man of integrity and wisdom. A man who has walked many years with Lord, and it shows. He prayed for truth. May the truth be known. We didn't understand. We needed answers. I prayed for truth, too. I know many others did as well. Truth began to unravel. Slowly in little hints. Our prayers were being answered. God was moving. Mountains were shaking. I didn't think I could handle the truth. Why was this happening? This isn't what I had prayed for. Oh, but God is faithful to answer the prayers of his children.
I have good friends. Brave, loyal friends. Friends of friends who stick up for what is right. A week before Christmas, the full truth came out because of my courageous friends. The ugly monster finally roared its head. I had hoped all along that this wasn't the truth, but it was. All the covering up, all the hiding, all the lying... it was exposed. At a bowling alley. And two days later, in my living room. An affair. This isn't what I had signed up for. The tables were turned now. Could I do this? Could we do this? I had made a vow, a commitment. Not only to him but to God. And I had meant every word that left my mouth on the wedding day. I was going to honor those words. I had prayed and begged for my marriage to be saved. If this was the way it was going to be saved, then I would be grateful and I would do what ever I had to do in order to repair the damage that was done. God is bigger than our mistakes so I had no doubt that with two willing hearts depending on Him, reconciliation would come.
But there were not two willing hearts. There was one willing heart left sitting in the counselor's office totally crushed. Abandoned. Rejected. Unwanted. Maybe even hated.
But He held that heart. He reminded that heart again and again how much He loved it. He reminded it how valuable it is to him. He poured out blessings on that heart. Some days, He drowned it in blessings. He gave that heart hope. He started to piece it back together. In fact, he still is. He whispered words of truth and love. He reminded that heart of his story of redemption.
And this heart chooses to believe... even if it doesn't understand. It believes in a God who is all powerful. A God who is bigger than any circumstance. This heart has felt His truths, seen them in action, seen them come to life. This heart has witnessed the power of prayer. He has kept this heart beating.
Many are the days I still can't believe this is my story. But everyday, I am reminded of how good he is. How he gives me what I don't deserve. Oh, how He deserves all the praise! I am blown away by his love for me. I am blown away by his provision. And I trust that he will bring beauty from ashes and purpose from pain, as He always does. For He who promises IS faithful.
#67 - because the story doesn't stop here.
"Come near to God and he will come near to you." - James 4:8