Reason #71

How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? 

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts 

and day after day have sorrow in my heart? 

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, LORD my God. 

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” 

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; 

my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the LORD’s praise, 

for he has been good to me. 

-Psalm 13

I love to sleep late. I am a "snooze button presser" and have a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. I take full advantage of sleeping in when I have the opportunity. On Saturdays mornings, I go to my Saturday Sisters bible study. Because this study starts "early" and because I like to sleep, I usually wake up with enough time to brush my teeth, pull back my hair and put on sweats. This morning, I actually got up early and put on make up and a dress before heading to bible study. A drastic difference from my usual Saturday morning look. I'm sure my sisters initially thought I was a visitor!

I was the first one to arrive this morning (a first for me), and when I got there I gave our sweet leader a hug and she said, "You are looking great! I can tell you are feeling good. I can see the light starting to return to your eyes."

I have identified much too closely with the verses of Psalm 13. As I've walked through this journey, I've heard people say, "We miss seeing that light in her eyes. We miss that sparkle. Where is the old Brittnye?" And for too long, I let the disappointment and heartache of my circumstances steal the light. Every once in a while, a little joy would break through, but most days I didn't feel like myself and I hated it. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to be happy. I wanted the smile. But it just didn't seem right, it didn't come naturally. And so I prayed and I asked for light in the darkness. Give me light, Lord. Don't let me be consumed. Don't let this flickering flame burn out.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." (John 1:5) And he kept the flame burning. It was small, but it was light. Even the smallest bit of light cuts through darkness. It brings comfort. It helps us see. Maybe we can't see very far, but if we stay near the light, we can see where we are standing. And that's how I felt.

Many were the days I wanted a flash light. I didn't want this tiny flame of light, no, I wanted a spotlight. I wanted to see in the distance, to see what was ahead. I wanted light to pour in so that I could feel like the old me again. I didn't like this darkness. I didn't like what it was doing to me.

He reminded me, " I am the LORD, and there is no other. I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things." (Isaiah 45:7) I didn't understand the darkness. I didn't understand the disaster. And so I kept asking. Give me more light, Lord. I need your light. Be my light.


"Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:15-16) I started to realize that I was keeping myself in the dark. I was keeping the light out. He was keeping me lit, but I stuck myself under a bowl; a bowl of shame, a bowl of insecurity, a bowl of embarrassment. Oh, how I wanted to shine, but I knew if I got on the stand, people would see. And then what? I prayed to be used again and again. I prayed that He would receive the glory. But I hid under the bowl. I suppressed the light and kept myself in the dark because I was scared.


So He turned that bowl over a few weeks ago, He picked me up, and He put me on the stand. "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then you righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard." (Isaiah 58:8) And the light pierced through the darkness. And I felt it. I felt from my head to my toes. The warmth of the light, the comfort of the light, it was exhilarating. It was freeing! And only because of my glorious Father, do I have any light at all.

And the laughter came back. And the smiles, too. And I could argue that a little sparkly eyeshadow and mascara brought some light to my eyes, but the truth is, He did. For He stuck in there with me, He fanned that flame, and He has set me on fire!

#71 - because He is the light!


"The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes" - Psalm 19:8