Reason #123

Tomorrow is a big day for me. So is Thursday. Really, a lot of big things are coming up. A lot of big things in which I am at the mercy of other's decisions. Tomorrow and Wednesday will be a day of evaluation, judgement, putting forth my best and hoping it is wanted. Hoping they see value in me. Hoping I can prove my worth. Stand out above the crowd.

And some times, I feel like this is life. Hoping, wanting, proving, finger-crossing. Judging and being judged.

I was a cheerleader all 4 years of high school. A group of girls hand-selected  by the student body. Girls who intentionally put themselves in front of a few hundred people to be judged. Asking to be evaluated. All eyes on you. Time to prove yourself. Show your worth. This is your one shot. And I remember how the afternoon drug out as we waited for the votes to be counted. Hoping and crossing our fingers. And unfortunately, we couldn't all make it. Only a few were chosen, and it was rough. I hated to see the disappointment and tears on the faces of those who were beat out. In fact, every year, I cried when all was said and done. I cried for relief that the judging was over, and I cried for those sweet girls who had to deal with a less than desireable outcome. But every year, for 4 years, I put myself back out there on that gym floor to be evaluated and judged by my classmates, trying prove myself to them. Their decision was out of my control. All I could do was put forth my best effort and hope for a good outcome.

But judging doesn't just take place in high school gyms. And as I sat and drank a hot cup of tea tonight, these words from Matthew rolled around in my head. “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged." (Matthew 7:1&2) I've come to realize how scared I am of being judged. How fearful I am of being evaluated. I, ashamedly admit, that I have done my fair share of playing judge. Deciding value and worth not only for others, but for myself, too. And the Lord has been teaching me and breaking me of this, expelling stereotypes and labels. But I'm afraid of not being chosen. Not being considered valuable or worthy. Being the one who has a face covered with tears and disappointment. The same fears that accompanied me through cheerleading tryouts as a teen-aged girl are the same ones that accompany me in my adult years. Insecurities that come from being observed, being compared. My outcome, determined by another's view point.

But I remember that I serve a just judge. One who judges fairly. One who examines the heart, sees all those insecurities and is aware of all of the fears. One who is always consistent, ruling over all, deciding every outcome. And so I trust that He will have the final say, make the final decision. And I don't have to compete. I don't have to prove or keep my fingers crossed. I realize I've been given the best defense a girl could ask for, and I know that when the outcome is decided, it will be according to His perfect plan.

#123 - Because I don't have to fear judgement.

"It is God alone who judges; he decides who will rise and who will fall." - Psalm 75:7