Reason #139

Thirty days ago a new month began. Today is the last day of May, and I can’t believe how quickly this month has passed. Truthfully, I can’t believe how quickly 2012 is passing and to be completely honest, I am very grateful for that. I went back and I read through the posts for May to remember what all God has done this month. Twenty-nine days ago, I wrote an entry about Cinderella. Words to remind me to be joyful in all things. April was a hard month and I got to a point where I was tired of being on a roller coaster ride, tired of feeling so much motion sickness. I needed a change and a positive one at that.

May 2 – “It’s May. It’s a new month, and I so desperately want it to be a good month. A month filled with fun, sweet memories. A memorable May”

As I sat in the airport on the way home Sunday afternoon those words came back to mind, but there were still four more days of May left and I didn’t want to speak too soon. Well, I can now confidently say that this has most definitely been a memorable May. In fact, this is the first good month I have had since October, the best month of 2012 thus far. I feel as if I was just typing those words yesterday, not 4 weeks ago. But as I look back over May, I can’t believe what all has transpired. I can’t believe how the Lord has answered so many major prayer requests in such a short amount of time. Mountain mover! Once again, I still don’t know why this surprises me.

And sometimes I get a little worried because I know myself. 100% flesh, human through and through, and I’ve done this before. Actually, I’ve lived most of my life this way. Feeling a little entitled, coasting through my days without any trouble and wading in my faith. Surface level faith that has kept me ankle deep. Faith that wasn’t growing, had become stagnant, because it wasn’t being challenged. And then I was. And so for months, I quit wading and began to drown myself in His love. Asking for more faith, and asking for my faith to grow rather than falter. And through the pain and the hurt He drew me nearer than ever. Every song I listened to, every sermon I sat through, every verse I read, every conversation I had, it was if the Lord himself was crafting those sermons for me, writing those songs for my own personal benefit, speaking those verses directly to my heart. And I loved every moment of it. I couldn’t get enough of Him. I felt Him constantly, saw Him in every little thing. All the while, I was hurting. And, He, the healer, was healing. And so I wonder why I do this. Why do we, as humans, do this? Why do we wait until we are at our wits end before we fully seek Him out? Why do we wait until our desperation has reached its fullness before we throw ourselves into His hands and call on His saving name? You’d think we’d learn. “Taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed is the one who take refuge in Him.” (Psalm 34:8) I have tasted and can testify to His goodness, so part of me begins to worry when things go well. My wounds are surprisingly healing at a very rapid pace and the hurt seems farther and farther away. But I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose what we had. I don’t want to go back to wading ankle deep and miss out on the intimacy I’ve experienced with Him. I don’t want to be numb to His presence, and I don’t want my ears to forget the sound of His voice.

I have prayed and asked that He wouldn’t keep me in the valley for long. And as I begin feeling the warmth of the sun, fresh new air, I begin to worry. What if I do it again? What if I forget? What if I turn into one of the lepers who didn’t come back to thank Him for completely healing me? (Luke 17) Even though the hurt was deep and the pain was unbearable some days, the joy of walking so closely with the Lord was unbeatable. So I need to learn how to do this in the good times. I want to continue to experience the fullness of the valley as I begin to walk up the side of the mountain. I don’t want to have to take a spill to remember to look up to Him and call on His saving name. I don’t want to have to trip over a rock to remind me to reach out for Him. Because mountain or valley, He is right there. My true constant.

So I thank Him for giving me a memorable May, for hearing my requests and so generously answering them. And who knows, maybe memorable Mays lead to joyous Junes!

#139 – Because He has blessed me with a memorable May.

“Search for the Lord and his strength; continually seek him. Remember the wonders he has performed…” – Psalm 105:4-5