Reason #150

I still have those days. Days where unpleasant feelings come back. Days where the lies pour into my mind. Days where I feel rejected and unwanted. Days where I feel like maybe it doesn’t matter. And even though those days are few and far between, they’re still hard.

I begin to worry. I start to feel inferior, inadequate. Just when I think I’ve finally got the hang of it, just when I think I am finally moving forward at a good pace, an arrow is fired. And it’s nothing major, nothing significant. Really, it’s just a mind game. Thankfully, I’ve fought a hard battle for quite a long time so I’ve learned a few tactics. Of course, I’m still learning because that’s the thing about a war, the enemy is always coming up with new ways to try and outsmart you. New strategies.

And through it all, my biggest worry is that I won’t be useable. I fear that all this fighting, all this yielding, all this hard work will be for nothing. But I know that’s not the truth. Because when we do what God asks, even if we don’t really want to, it counts for something. Every time, it counts. Today, I thought “If I had only known the outcome, I wouldn’t have even ____________.” And I filled in the blank with a lot of different things. And although I know nothing is ever wasted, occasionally I wish I wouldn’t have spent my time doing those things. But I didn’t know what would happen so I just had to do what I believed He was asking me to and trust that He would take care of the rest.

Late in the afternoon his disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away so they can go to the nearby farms and villages and buy something to eat.” But Jesus said, “You feed them. “With what?” they asked. “We’d have to work for months to earn enough money to buy food for all these people!” “How much bread do you have?” he asked. “Go and find out.” They came back and reported, “We have five loaves of bread and two fish.” Then Jesus told the disciples to have the people sit down in groups on the green grass. So they sat down in groups of fifty or a hundred. Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. He also divided the fish for everyone to share. They all ate as much as they wanted, and afterward, the disciples picked up twelve baskets of leftover bread and fish. A total of 5,000 men and their families were fed from those loaves! – Mark 6:35-44

Five loaves and two fish didn’t look like much, definitely not enough to feed over 5000 people. And the thing was, the disciples had to search for this little bit of food. It really would have been a lot easier to send the crowd on their way and let them feed themselves. But that’s not what God desires. He desires to meet our needs, to provide for us, and to fill us. He doesn’t send us out to fin for ourselves. And so they looked for something with sustenance. Anything! Thankfully, someone showed up prepared. A little boy with a bag lunch. (John 6:9) And I wonder if the disciples started feeling a little discouraged as they searched through thousands of people looking for food. I wonder if they thought, “Really? I can’t believe we are spending our time doing this. Seems like He could have come up with a better solution than this.” And what about the little boy? I, myself, would have crammed that snack down my throat before they had a chance to take it from me. This was all he had. This could have been his only meal for the day. Maybe fish and bread was his absolute favorite meal and he didn’t get to eat it often. Now, these men were going to take it away from him to “share” with everyone else. Good luck with that!

But the little boy handed it over. Willingly? Who knows. And I wonder if the disciples felt silly taking such a small amount of food back to Jesus. It wasn’t significant. It wasn’t much. But it’s all they had, all they could find. And Jesus took it, blessed it, multiplied it and used it. He didn’t berate them for bring a small amount of food to Him. He didn’t question their abilities. He didn’t say, “Seriously guys? This is it? There are 5000 people here and you bring me a kid’s meal to feed them all? Are you out of your mind? I think you could have done a little better than this. Try harder!” They did what He asked. They brought Him food and they let Him do the rest. And He did more than they expected. From a tiny, insignificant amount came enough to feed a whole army and then some.

Today, I feel like that little boy. I don’t have much to offer. I don’t have much to give, and what I do have is far from significant. Really, I’m surprised that anyone would even want it or that it could even be used. Today, I’m thinking like those disciples. I’m bringing my small, seemingly useless things to Him wondering what He’ll do with them. But He truly is a miracle worker. And I’m so grateful that He’ll take whatever is surrendered to Him and use it for His glory. I’m so thankful that He can do great things with small things and come up with something more incredible than I ever could have imagined.

So I do these things because He asks me to. Maybe I won’t see the impact on this side of Heaven, maybe I will, but I know either way they count. And I bring Him my tiny portions asking that He use them, trusting that He can, and believing He will.

#150 – Because He makes my tiny offerings count for something, bringing significance from the seemingly insignificant.

“I am counting on the Lord; yes, I am counting on Him. I have put my hope in His word.” – Psalm 130:5