Reason #318

Have you ever had one of those days? You’ve stayed calm as long as possible, you’ve reasoned and rationalized as much as you could, and you’ve tried to be optimistic. But sometimes you just have those days where it all comes to a head. A little collision. Today was one of those days, and my "comfort food" lunch from Sonic didn't make it any better, or ease my headache, like I had hoped.
 

I haven’t had a day like this in a really long time. I sort of felt it this morning when I woke up but I tried to push it down. I reminded myself that I need to be thankful, that I need to be appreciative and gracious. And so I tried my best to pick out the goodness. To find those things that I could actually be thankful for. Isn’t it ironic that sometimes the things that are a big worry can turn into a big answered prayer and eventually morph into a big headache? Because I prayed about this for a long time. And it was a big blessing when that prayer was answered. Provision and assurance all in one. I was happy that it turned out the way it did. So here’s where I find myself conflicted. This was what I wanted. This was what I was hoping for… sort of. But the selfish side of me begins to get in the way and I find myself relying on my emotions. Words like “happy, satisfied, content…” bounce around in my head and I want to give in. I want to let my emotions drive my decisions. As I have learned, emotion driven decisions are often poorly made decisions. Careful thought and prayer can save one from making a grave mistake, and so I try to remember that. And although I highly value my own happiness (who doesn’t after all), I know the world does not revolve around me. And so I look at it the other way around and realize that had my prayers been answered differently, I wouldn’t have been happy… or would I have been?
 

And so I left work feeling at a loss for what to do. If you know me in the least, you know this drives me crazy. I like having a plan, and a good one at that. I had a plan. My plan was thwarted and I now have no definite plan. I know what I wanted to do, but if I’m being honest, I was also a little nervous to do it. For as many reasons as I can talk myself into moving one direction, I can come up with an equal amount of reasons to move the other. And so I’m torn and, unfortunately, no one can solve my problem. Adulthood, you are tricky.
 

 

I finally got home with an idea of what I would do for the evening. I unpacked my groceries, and as I ate eggos for dinner, I complained. I whined and vented and the more I talked, the more I realized what I needed to do. Because I've just been sitting around waiting for something "magical" to happen. I've been praying and expecting God to just drop the answer in my lap. How often I forget that I have a responsibility to act, too. And I came to the realization that my tactic has yet to bring about any sort of change or reaction. So I could wait. I could keep waiting and wait a little longer. And I could complain and whine and keep doing the same unproductive thing that's not producing desired results, or I could take action. So I did exactly that. I slipped on my pj's, turned on some Christmas music, crawled into bed, and with Scout snuggled in my lap, I got to work. Will it make a difference? I don't know. Will it change my circumstances right now? I don't know. But I know that if I don't do anything, I can't expect anything. So, I did something. And really, that's all I can do right now. I can do something and then pray that if it's the "something" He wants for me, He'll open that door.

 

Change. One change after another after another. Who knows what's next. Who knows what lies ahead. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know where I'll end up. I don't know if He'll have me stay where He has me or if this is a gentle nudging to move in a different direction. But I trust that He'll keep on taking care of me either way. I trust that He sees me and hears my prayers. I trust that He will answer. And I praise Him that even though I don't have it figured out yet, He does.

 

#318 - Because He will  open the doors that need to be opened when they need to be opened.

 

"Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful. Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful." - Psalm 69:16