Reason #465

I heard this song twice today. I needed to.

I get tricked into believing that there is something seriously wrong with me. That I am so broken, so tainted, so unbearable. Why would anyone want to put up with me? You know those "common denomenator" people who think it's always everyone else yet it's really them? Sometimes I think that's me. That maybe the joke is on me and I just don't get it.

In keeping with my "honesty is the best policy" practice, I'll admit to you that I'm far from perfect. A completely imperfect perfectionist. I try really hard to get it right, to do everything right, but I still fail. And I have my moments where I just fall apart. I can't hold it together when things start to unravel and fear creeps in. But you want to know what I discovered today? My real problem isn't so much me as it is the fact that I allow myself to believe the lies about me.

I woke up this morning and I didn't eat breakfast. I contemplated faking an illness so I could go back to sleep. But I rolled out of bed and I spent most of my day in a daze. I drove home for lunch looking forward to sitting outside in the sunshine, and as I pulled out of the parking lot, I heard this song.

Here's the truth. I need Him. I try so hard to get things right on my own. To do everything right and not mess up. But sometimes I do mess up, and sometimes I get really scared. Sometimes I don't know what to feel or what to think. Sometimes I don't even know what to do. And that's how I felt today. And I just wanted to wave the white flag and lay down. Because I spent so much time fighting and battling and I just figured that once the worst was over, I was good to go. But the enemy doesn't give up so easily. And so, a few days of complete exhaustion and confusion, and I felt like I had taken a beating and defeat was really the only emotion left in me this morning. Defeated, sad, and all I could seem to remember was how broken I think I am.

But I blogged one time about Moses and his encouragement to the Israelites as they headed towards the Promised Land. Battles raged and he said, "“Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today...The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” (Exodus 14:13-14) And by gosh, the Lord did exactly that. People who were paralyzed with fear watched their enemies fall without even lifting a finger. And today, feeling at the end of my rope, He reminded me of that. Because when I didn't have the strenght to fight anymore, when I seemed to have forgotten what to do, when my efforts to try and fix things weren't working, and when I didn't know what else I needed to do to make myself feel any better, He did it for me. And He reminded me in that song that He is my defense, my righteousness. That when I can't stand, I can always fall on His truth. If I just come to Him, He will grant me rest. And most of all, that His grace is so much bigger than my fears and failures. When I fall short, which I do so easily, I will find myself right in the middle of His grace.

And so I just have to remember these truths, and I have to remember how much I need Him. Every hour, really, every single second, I need Him. And I'm grateful that He is fully aware of what I need, too. And when I need a warrior, one who will jump in there and fight for me, He will do it. When I need someone to hold me together, to keep me from crumbling, to keep me on my feet and support my weak knees, He will do it. And most of all, when I so desperately need the truth, He will make sure I hear it one way or another. 

#465 - Because He will make sure I hear the truth over the lies.

"Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” - John 8:31-32