Reason #521
I go through growth spurts in my walk with the Lord. Marriage has been one of those spurts and I’ve really had to spend some time in serious thought about my priorities. More than that, I’ve been forced to look deep within and uncover some really gross truths about myself. Things that I’m really struggling with because there’s no definite answer. Things that don’t really seem like that big of a deal but in reality, I think they may very well be. You see, one of the biggest benefits of singleness is selfishness. I don’t say this in a rude way, by any means. Heck, it’s a really nice benefit. Aaron and I are both having to learn how to adjust from this as the freedom to do, think, act, spend, and manage your own life like you want to quickly changes the moment you say “I do.”
Lately, the Lord has really been challenging me to believe what I know. Growing up I participated in bible drill, I’ve gone to church my whole life, and bible studies are my extracurricular activities, so I know a lot about what the bible says. But I realize that there are some things I kind of sort of don’t really believe. Or maybe I do believe them but I just don’t really want to live them out. And so here lies the struggle. Because I really want to feed my flesh and desires rather than starve them and lay them down. And I realize I am coming to this crossroads because God is really challenging me in the statement that He is enough. That He is more than enough. That my worth comes from Him and Him alone. That He is all I really need.
A weekend trip to Dillard’s has brought this to the surface. And so ladies, I apologize for all the things I am about to say. Because this is tough stuff for me, and I don’t really like what I’m being challenged to face. But I think we all deal with it in one form or another and so maybe you understand where I’m coming from. I have not allowed myself to shop in a long time. Why, you may ask? Because shopping is expensive. I can’t just “look” at things, no, I have to have them. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, clothes, shoes and accessories and summer is my favorite season. And I have a job which means I have a bank account which means I have a debit card that spends as quickly and easily as anyone else’s. Of course, I also have a limited salary which requires conscious spending, but rare is there a store that is not running a sale. And so I walked through Dillard’s in agony. Jewelry, purses, shoes, make-up, perfume and clothes galore. I wanted to shop so bad. I wanted to feed that desire to get new, cute things. I haven’t bought a purse in at least a year, it’s time for one. I just used up a bottle of perfume, I need some more. I just cleaned out my closet so I have a little bit of free space for some dresses. And I really would like a new watch. But as I looked at all of these things, a little convicting voice reminded me I didn’t need any of those things and I headed upstairs slightly irritated.
I made it to the sleepwear department and guess what, they were having a sale! I’ll try to say this as appropriately as possible. I actually could use some new undergarments and so I began digging through a large pile of sale items. This is one of the more frustrating experiences for me because I can never find anything that fits, and not for a good reason, either. But I found a few things, which left me feeling self-conscious and envious of the other women who had quite a selection to chose from. Of course I wasn’t jealous of the fact that they had more items to pick from, I was jealous of why. You get what I’m saying. Anyway, I told Aaron about my dilemma and jokingly stated that maybe once we pay off our new furniture we can save up and do something about that problem.
And so yesterday afternoon, it hit me. Because how often to we replace Jesus with our debit cards? How often do we give to our own selfish desires rather than to His cause? How much more excited are we to buy some new wedges than to tithe to the church we attend week after week and support its mission? How much easier is it to spend a chunk of change on things for your home than it is to give that same chunk of change to an organization that is spreading the gospel? Is Jesus really enough or is a bigger, nicer home what you need? Does His view of you matter more than the view of your boss or your friends? Can Jesus really satisfy you more than purses and sun dresses, or would rather seek those out for satisfaction? Do you really trust that true beauty comes from a Godly spirit, or does it actually come from a smaller waist, a bigger bust, longer hair, and lash lengthening mascara? And when Jesus says you are fearfully and wonderfully made, do you actually believe that or do you go to greater lengths to mold yourself into what you view as wonderful?
I won’t lie, I left Dillard’s mad. Mad because I knew He was right. There I was standing in store of things I love and He proved to me right there where my priorities lie, where my heart actually is. These are the very things I think about, the things I seek out and want the most. Because a lot of times I don’t live my life like Jesus is enough. I want to, but I also want to do a million other things, posses a lot of really nice things, find worth in this world, and be somebody great. I suppose you could say I want to make much of Brittnye. Of what she has, of what she looks like, of how she is perceived and of who people think she is. And as simple as it is to say, as easy as it is to sing, it looks a little different living it out, doesn’t it? Is Jesus enough? Well when you’ve had enough of this world, of your flesh and of yourself, you’ll find out that if you will let Him be, Jesus really is enough.
#521 - For a loving God who can and will satisfy.
"You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy." - Psalm 63:5