Reason #545

Tomorrow morning
If you wake up
And the sun
Does not appear
I will be here

If in the dark
We lose sight of love
Hold my hand
And have no fear
Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need
To speak your mind
I will listen

And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together, cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning
If you wake up
And the future
Is unclear
I will be here

As sure as seasons
Are made for change
Our lifetimes
Are made for years
I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror
Tells us we're older
I will hold you

And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things
You are to me, I will be here

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the one
Who gave you to me

And just as sure as seasons
Are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I will be here
We'll be together, I will be here

 

-Stephen Curtis Chapman

 

I fell in love with this song when I was young. I told my mom that I wanted it sung in my wedding. And even though this song was written for someone else, it spoke straight to my heart. This was the type of man I wanted to marry. These were the words I wanted someone to not only tell me, but I wanted them to live these words out with me. And the night that Aaron asked me to marry him, this was the song that was playing in the background.

 

That was 7 months ago, and while that seems like a relatively short time, to us it doesn't. It seems like it was forever ago. And so I'm going to be honest tonight because I appreciate honesty. I've had my days since then. Days where I have really struggled and been challenged. Days where I've been exhausted and worn out in every sense of the word. Days where I wondered if I'd ever get it right. I wondered if I had it in me to be a good wife. It's my desire, but it just seemed like I had a hard time living out what I wanted. And there are days when I just feel like all I am doing is failing and coming in as the lesser half. People joke about being in the "honeymoon" stage, and while that has some validity, the first year of marriage is not as romantic as imagined. Because the truth is, no matter how much you think you know about someone before you say "I do," you learn even more after you are sharing your entire life with them. And so it's a huge adjustment period. A time when two people who have lived independently of one another for almost all of their lives, who were raised in different environments, have different experiences, and who have developed habits and ideas of how things should be done, must learn to become one. And at the end of the day, no matter what kind of day it has been, you're both here. Both under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed, and even though you're in the same place physically, that might be about it. And so you figure it out one way or another, because although you are feeling a thousand different emotions, you realize that the one place you need to be is there.

 

I won't lie. I felt sorry for Aaron this week. I drove to work and I just wished I could not be me. I wished I could be someone else. I take that back. I was fine with being me, I just wanted to be a different version of me. I wanted to be a calm, passive, laid-back version. A girl who just shrugs everything off and isn't emotional. One who is easy going, always happy, slow to speak, and never gets upset. But I'm not that girl. I am an independent, opinionated, organized, type-A, sensitive, emotional, strong willed, talkative, direct, task oriented girl. I know what I want, I have ideas on how things should work, I am confident in the things I say, and I say quite a bit. I bet at this point you're feeling sorry for Aaron, too, aren't you? And I thought to myself, "He deserves someone better. He should have a sweet little wife who doesn't have a challenging bone in her body. A girl who is so easy going and easy to be around. One of those people who are impossibly kind, never gets upset, and never stops smiling. I wish I could be that." And although I'm not a villain (at least I try not to be), I'm definitely not that girl.

 

I came home with a heavy heart and I told Aaron how I though it would be nice if I could not be me. Aaron kindly reminded me that he didn't want me to be someone else because that's not who he fell in love with. He fell in love with this hard-headed, strong-willed, independent girl. And as I've thought more and more about that, I was reminded of this song. Because there are days, and there will be days, where we will live out each and every word. Good days where it's super easy, and days where it's not so much. Scary moments, difficult moments, challenging moments, and joyous moments. And there will be happy tears, sad tears, and frustrated tears. There will be little molehills, big mountains, deep valleys, and everything else in between. But no matter what, we'll be here.

 

Let's be honest, people leave. Not everyone stays around. In fact, it happens to more than half of us. And although that's a frightening statistic that becomes the reality for more people than not, I think the thing you have to promise yourself is not that you won't leave, but that you will stay. That at the end of the day, you will be there. Each night and each morning, you will be there. Here, or there, isn't always to easiest place to be. But that's what God calls us to do. He doesn't say, "be here for as long as you'd like. Stay until you're ready to move on for whatever reason and then go ahead and go." God expects us to be where we promise we are going to be.

 

And so I'm thankful for Aaron. I praise the Lord that He has given me someone who is not only here, but will be here. Who is willing to learn, to bend, to grow, and to change with me. Who does his best to try and understand how I am, insecurities, faults, failures and all, and still decides to be here. Who is as stubborn and as hard-headed as I am so that we both know we'll make it no matter what because neither one of us would ever dare give up or quit. And by gosh, neither one of us would settle for being less than the best from ourselves! But more than that, I am thankful that he would still love me in spite of me. It's a good feeling to know that at the end of every day, no matter what kind of day I've had, or what kind of day we've had, I'll go to be knowing that he is here.

 

#545 - For someone who is and will be here.

 

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” - Ruth 1:16-17