Reason #611
Sometimes I'm afraid to see people. Does that make sense? Sounds kind of weird for someone who considers themself a people person. It's true. Sometimes I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I hope they won't recognize me. I hope they'll look a different direction so I can sneak by. Not because I dislike them, not because I don't want to talk to them, but because I'm embarrassed. I am ashamed and slightly humiliated and so I don't want to see them face to face.
I wonder if this stuff ever changes. Does it, or does it haunt you no matter where you go? It really is amazing that regardless of where you are, someone there knows you. My cousin was sharing with me about the new church they've started to attend in Houston. It is GIGANTIC. A place where you could easily be lost in the crowd. Almost 9 hours away from Lubbock and after 3 weeks of going, her husband saw someone he knew from college. Go figure. People are everywhere and if you don't directly know someone in that particular place, you can bet that you'll know someone that they know or vice versa. And so I have those days where I see people and my stomach turns. I fight off fear and nausea because I think that they might know. And what's more, I am afraid of what exactly they do or do not know.
I saw an old friend at church this morning. I was really glad to see him, as I have known him for about 8 years now. We went through all of college together, and he knows a lot about me. When I saw him, I wasn't the least bit nervous to wave or say hello. I wasn't afraid or scared to give him a hug and ask how he was doing. Because I knew he knew, and I knew what he knew. And I knew that he wasn't judging me, nor had he ever, and so it was easy for me. Yet as I walked out of the sanctuary, I saw another couple who used to be in my Sunday school class. Super sweet, funny, vibrant people, and I just hoped that they would head out the door before I reached them. I hoped for an opportunity to stop and talk to someone else so I could buy a little time. And my heart hurt because normally I would have run up to them, hugged them, and asked a thousand questions about how they were doing. But I was too afraid of awkward moments, too embarrassed to have to state my case yet again, and I had no clue what they knew, if they even knew anything.
This has happened to me a lot over the past few weeks, and I really hate it. I wish there was something I could do about it, but there's not. Well, I could move to Alaska or somewhere really obscure and far off, but then I'd be sad because I wouldn't know anyone there. And so I have this internal struggle each time. Having to swallow my fear, humble myself, push past my pride and say hello. And as simple as that sounds, it's not.
This afternoon, my mom was steaming the new comforter I bought for my bed, and she shared a story with me about a boy she met this morning. I sat there as she told me his testimony and I cried because I understood. I understood what it feels like to be potentially viewed as a failure. To walk through something that is so humiliating and embarrassing. I understood what it's like to have your past constantly following you. To have a "record" that will never be washed away. And yet she told me about how this boy spoke unashamedly about his current state. She told me how she would have never guessed what he was going through by his personality and outlook on life. And she told me that at the end of their church service today, he accepted Christ.
He gets it. So often we find ourselves in such a state of humiliation for what has happened in our lives, either to us or by us, that we just can't bring ourselves to face the Lord. He is so holy, so perfect, so righteous, and we're so not. We're so far from it, so fallen, so broken, and hurting that we have a hard time doing that. But the thing is, God already knows. We don't have to come to him and tell him how devastated we are. We don't have to state our case in humiliation. He doesn't ask us to do that. We can just come before Him and find restoration and healing. We can find comfort, forgiveness, and acceptance. All we have to do is go before Him and just tell Him we need Him. And truth be told, when someone already knows the full story, it really does make it a lot easier to face them.
Well, it's obvious here that I so desperately need the Lord. I need Him for everything, even really small things. I need His help is saying hello. I need His help in holding my head high. But I am so grateful that when I come before the Lord, I don't have to be ashamed and humiliated. I don't have to be afraid of how the conversation might go or how He may view me. Because He knows me, knows every detail of every second of my life, and so there's no need to fear. And how grateful I am to serve a God who lifts my head when I can't do it on my own.
#611 - Because He already knows the full story and that makes it a whole lot easier.
"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." - Romans 15:7
I wonder if this stuff ever changes. Does it, or does it haunt you no matter where you go? It really is amazing that regardless of where you are, someone there knows you. My cousin was sharing with me about the new church they've started to attend in Houston. It is GIGANTIC. A place where you could easily be lost in the crowd. Almost 9 hours away from Lubbock and after 3 weeks of going, her husband saw someone he knew from college. Go figure. People are everywhere and if you don't directly know someone in that particular place, you can bet that you'll know someone that they know or vice versa. And so I have those days where I see people and my stomach turns. I fight off fear and nausea because I think that they might know. And what's more, I am afraid of what exactly they do or do not know.
I saw an old friend at church this morning. I was really glad to see him, as I have known him for about 8 years now. We went through all of college together, and he knows a lot about me. When I saw him, I wasn't the least bit nervous to wave or say hello. I wasn't afraid or scared to give him a hug and ask how he was doing. Because I knew he knew, and I knew what he knew. And I knew that he wasn't judging me, nor had he ever, and so it was easy for me. Yet as I walked out of the sanctuary, I saw another couple who used to be in my Sunday school class. Super sweet, funny, vibrant people, and I just hoped that they would head out the door before I reached them. I hoped for an opportunity to stop and talk to someone else so I could buy a little time. And my heart hurt because normally I would have run up to them, hugged them, and asked a thousand questions about how they were doing. But I was too afraid of awkward moments, too embarrassed to have to state my case yet again, and I had no clue what they knew, if they even knew anything.
This has happened to me a lot over the past few weeks, and I really hate it. I wish there was something I could do about it, but there's not. Well, I could move to Alaska or somewhere really obscure and far off, but then I'd be sad because I wouldn't know anyone there. And so I have this internal struggle each time. Having to swallow my fear, humble myself, push past my pride and say hello. And as simple as that sounds, it's not.
This afternoon, my mom was steaming the new comforter I bought for my bed, and she shared a story with me about a boy she met this morning. I sat there as she told me his testimony and I cried because I understood. I understood what it feels like to be potentially viewed as a failure. To walk through something that is so humiliating and embarrassing. I understood what it's like to have your past constantly following you. To have a "record" that will never be washed away. And yet she told me about how this boy spoke unashamedly about his current state. She told me how she would have never guessed what he was going through by his personality and outlook on life. And she told me that at the end of their church service today, he accepted Christ.
He gets it. So often we find ourselves in such a state of humiliation for what has happened in our lives, either to us or by us, that we just can't bring ourselves to face the Lord. He is so holy, so perfect, so righteous, and we're so not. We're so far from it, so fallen, so broken, and hurting that we have a hard time doing that. But the thing is, God already knows. We don't have to come to him and tell him how devastated we are. We don't have to state our case in humiliation. He doesn't ask us to do that. We can just come before Him and find restoration and healing. We can find comfort, forgiveness, and acceptance. All we have to do is go before Him and just tell Him we need Him. And truth be told, when someone already knows the full story, it really does make it a lot easier to face them.
Well, it's obvious here that I so desperately need the Lord. I need Him for everything, even really small things. I need His help is saying hello. I need His help in holding my head high. But I am so grateful that when I come before the Lord, I don't have to be ashamed and humiliated. I don't have to be afraid of how the conversation might go or how He may view me. Because He knows me, knows every detail of every second of my life, and so there's no need to fear. And how grateful I am to serve a God who lifts my head when I can't do it on my own.
#611 - Because He already knows the full story and that makes it a whole lot easier.
"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." - Romans 15:7