Reason #763
I feel like a bad mom. I know you’re thinking that’s a funny way for me to feel considering I am not a mom, and so I’ll clarify by saying that I feel like a bad pet mom. Last night, I told Aaron that Scout’s “adoption date” was coming up soon. In actuality, yesterday was Scout’s adoption day. I’m losing my mind, people. I tell you, I am good with dates, so I can’t believe I forgot this one. The good news is, Scout doesn’t know that. In fact, I am pretty sure Scout doesn’t remember what life was like before she was mine. I am pretty sure, in her little mind, it’s been the two of us from the beginning. And, even though Aaron came into her life a little while later, I have to believe she can’t remember a time without him, either.
It’s good to be known from the start. Meeting new people is great, but it’s really nice to have people that go way back with you. It’s nice when someone knows everything about you, has experienced all the big things in life with you, and has stuck through the ups and downs along the way. For most of us, that’s family, and we should be so lucky to have those people. I always find myself wishing that Aaron and I went further back. Of course, we have the rest of our days to spend together, but I wish we had more previous days together. I wish I would have known him as a child. I wish we could have gone to prom together in high school, and that we could have spent our college career as a couple. I wish he would have accompanied me to all the formals and football games, and that he would have gone on spring break mission trips with me. I wish we could have been there to watch one another walk across the stage at graduation. I wish we could have been there from each other’s start. Because I think about how I could have avoided all heartbreak if I would have had Aaron for as long as I could remember. I think about how I wouldn’t have to explain myself or my reasoning because he would have gone through everything with me and he’d know all my back stories first hand. And I think about how nice it would be if every memory I had, every wonderful thing I experienced, and every fun occasion I attended, was with him.
I was known in my inmost being. As my body was formed, little bits at a time, I was known. My heart, my future, my thoughts, my feelings, my failures, successes, and the number of my days was known. In a secret place, where no one knew me, He knew. Before my existence was revealed, He knew. And on day 1, when the rest of the people who’ve known me from the start were just meeting me, He knew me completely. He knew what life had in store for me, and what’s more, is He knew that at 7 years old, I would come to know him. The truth is, though, I knew a lot about Him before I was seven. I knew that He loved me. I knew that I was His child. I knew that He sent His son to die for me, and after 7 years of hearing that over and over and over again, I wanted to know Him more. I wanted to know this God that beckoned and called me to Him. I wanted to know Him personally rather than just know of Him. I wanted to live my life, all the rest of my days, with Him. And now, almost 20 years later, it’s hard for me to remember a day without Him.
One day I want to have children, although I have reassured Scout she’ll always be my baby, one day I want to know some little people as my own. And maybe it’s because they’re comprised of mine and Aaron’s DNA, or maybe it’s because God has brought them to us in another form. But one day, I want to be a part of a little person’s life from the start. I want to know everything about them. I want to be there through all their ups and downs, experience the milestones with them, and cheer them on as they walk through the adventures of life. I want to know their history, to be a part of it, and to be in all of their memories. But more than knowing those little people like the back of my hand, I want them to know Him from the start. I want their lives to be so consumed with the Lord that they literally can’t recall a time when they were unaware of His love for them. When they think back to any point in their life, I want them to notice that He was always there. I want their earliest memories to include Him, and I want every memory from there on out to be with their Savior. And when they think back to a hard time, He’ll be there. And when they look back on a joyous occasion, they’ll see Him. I want, more than anything, for my future little people, and all little people everywhere, to realize that they’ve been known and loved from the start, and that there has never been a time when God wasn’t there.
I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that He is in my earliest memories. I am thankful that He is in my most recent ones, too. To be known, and to have been loved from the start, is a beautiful thing. And I couldn’t be more grateful to look back on my life, at any point, and see the presence of God in all of it.
#763 - Because we go back as far as I can remember.
"Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him. Remember the wonders he has performed..." - Psalm 105:4-5