Reason #845
Tech graduation was this weekend, and Lubbock was hustling and bustling with all of the celebrations. Aaron and I had an opportunity to be on campus Saturday afternoon. We walked over to look at the new BA building that opened a few years ago. When I started at Tech, rumor was that I’d finish my degree in the new BA. I graduated in 2008 and I think the BA opened about 3 years later. No such luck. As we walked across campus, I couldn’t help but think back to so many different memories. I loved my college experience. I loved riding the bus to and from my apartment each day. I loved walking across campus when the weather was nice. I enjoyed sitting in the SUB between classes trying to study. I thought about how much fun I got to have during those 3.5 years of college, and I told Aaron that I’d go back if I could. I’d go back and I’d take my time. I’d study abroad. I’d change my major, and I’d do things differently that I did the first time around.
I mourned for almost a year after I graduated college. I missed the world of academia. I missed being a student. I was a few months into being 21 years old when I graduated, and I really wasn’t as prepared to be a “grown up” as I thought I was. I wanted to go back to school so bad, and I wish I would have. I wish I wouldn’t have let so many fears keep me from making that decision because I think it would have been the best one for me. But I didn’t go back. I didn’t pursue my heart’s desires, and there are so many times I wonder what would have happened if I had actually had the guts to do it. Of course, life takes you down many, many roads and the one thing I learned is that you should always chase your desires rather than submit to your fears.
I’m still learning this lesson. This lesson of choosing faith over fear. Of being brave and bold and opening yourself up for opportunities. I thought college would do that for me. I figured if I went back and got my master’s degree, I’d have so many more opportunities. I’d be more “valuable” and equipped. I’d be more successful. And you know, that might be true. But for years, pretty much about 9 now, I have yet to find it. I have get to find what it is that God is calling me to do. When I started college, I had no idea. Six years after college, I still have no idea. The only thing I am sure of is that I have yet to find it. I have yet to discover what I was “created” to do. Because I fully believe that when God places you exactly where you’re supposed to be, doors swing open. The path can be tough, but it’s clear. Your heart knows you are where you’re supposed to be because you’re exercising the abilities that God has given you to the max. I could be wrong here, but I really think that’s how you know.
Yet I live in fear, afraid that I’ll never find it. Afraid that I’ll never get to have that opportunity to really know what it’s like to be fulfilled in my calling. To be able to utilize and maximize the God-given abilities I have, and to know without a doubt that this is it. That this was what I created to do. To be able to talk about my job with passion because it is my heartbeat. To be able to wake up in the mornings and know that I’m on the path God has called me to. What if I never find that? What if I keep missing it or keep going another direction? I’m afraid, sometimes, that my ship has sailed and I was too late to get on board.
I read a devotional today about how God uses our failures for great things. How, in spite of them, He calls us to himself. You know, His word says He uses the simple things of the world to confound the wise. He doesn’t work the way we do. God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called. And that’s the truth I am clinging to. Because I don’t want to have missed it. I don’t want my failures to hold me back from opportunities to be used by God. I may not have a prestigious degree, and I don’t know that I ever will. I may not be given business opportunities or get a selected to serve on a board. I may never be in charge or be able to add a bunch of letters after my name. And so I am being challenged to follow my heart. To be open the fear of failure, of rejection, of spending more time wondering what it might be at the risk of seeking out what it is God has called me to do. To trust that He has a plan, a good plan, and that it can be accomplished without the earthly accolades. But I suppose we never know unless we let go of fear, step out in faith, and allow God to pave the way for us.
#845 - Because He equips the called.
"I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, ‘You are my servant.’ For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." - Isaiah 41:9-10