Reason #999
Well, it happened 3 years ago today. A visit to the lawyer was made and the ball began rolling... officially. I never imagined it would have come to that. I still remember getting those papers in the mail. It was presented to me as a "favor," a way of showing a little mercy and kindness, because the only other option to get those papers was to be served. As humiliating as the whole process was, being served really would have been terrible, so I was glad I could at least be home alone when I read my future.
I called the attorney who mailed me those papers the next day and we spoke. He informed me that since he wasn't representing me, he couldn't talk too much about the situation. Initially, I think he was ready to receive an earful. I think he fully expected to be confronted by a woman filled with anger and rage. I was hurt. I wasn't angry. I was too hurt to be angry. Sorrow took up every part of my heart, and I just wanted him to know that this wasn't my decision. I knew he couldn't do anything about it, but I wanted him to understand that this wasn't what I wanted. He quickly changed his tone and he agreed to speak with me and answer any questions I had. Before all was said and done, I'm fairly certain I spoke more to him than the individual he was representing. He didn't give me any legal counsel. He didn't tell me what I needed to do, but he took the time to reminded me that God had a greater plan than I could fathom. He said, "I know you don't see it now, but one day you'll look back and you'll be glad." He was right.
There aren't many good reasons to get a divorce, but I really felt that there was absolutely no reason in my case. And so I tried. I tried everything under the sun to turn things around. I groveled, I begged, I threw myself out there over and over and over again. I promised to change any and everything I needed to change. To be a better person. I asked for forgiveness, I offered forgiveness, I pulled out every stop I could think of. I pleaded with God, I sought counsel, I had every Godly person I knew lifting my circumstances up in prayer. And on October 20, 2011, the decision to file for divorce was made regardless of how I felt about it.
I blamed myself. If only I had been better. If only I had been nicer, more patient, more fun and adventurous. If only I had said this and not said that. If I had done things differently, this would have never happened. It was all my fault, I thought. And I kicked myself over and over again because I thought, "If I could just go back, I can make everything better." But the truth is, we can only do what we can do. We only know what we know. And when we're faced with choices, we're responsible for the path we choose. In the end, we have to answer for the decisions we've made, right or wrong. I was challenged by that fact, and I realized that how I handled things on my end was what I would be held accountable for.
Well, three years later, I'm not sorry I tried. I am not sorry that I put myself out there only to end up facing the ultimate rejection despite my best efforts. I'm not sorry that I let myself be so vulnerable. I'm not sorry that I allowed my heart to stay soft and malleable even though that meant it hurt a little more. I'm not sorry that I cared, and I'm not sorry that I hung in there until the bitter end. Because I fully believe that through it all, God's power was reflected. Had I reacted to the divorce like the world expects, it really would have been all for nothing. The truth is, it's easy to be angry and bitter when you're hurt. It's easy to spew ugly words and tear people apart. It's easy to play the blame game and refuse to accept truth. No one is ever surprised to hear someone make hateful comments about a person who wounded them. We expect that kind of stuff, really. And if that person doesn't make a negative comment, then we make the comment for them. It feels justified. It feels natural. But I really wanted God to use this situation for a greater purpose somehow, someway, and I figured that if God wasn't going to be glorified through the dissolving of that marriage, I was going to do my best to make sure He was glorified through my life. Even though I was humiliated, I made the decision that I was going to walk the path before me as gracefully as I could. I was going to choose to honor God even though I didn't fully understand. I had no control over my circumstances, and that was evident. And so the only thing I could control was me. I could choose to draw near to God, to lean on Him, to trust in Him and have faith in His plan, or I could give up on Him. I could choose to rebel, to be angry, to blame Him, and to walk away from Him. I'm so grateful I chose the way I did because although the path was not easy, the journey has been sweet. Blessings have accompanied me even on the hardest of days, and if that was the path that God choose to use to get me to where I am, I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Every step has been well worth it, my friends, every single step.
#999 - For every single step of the way.
"But for those who are righteous, the way is not steep and rough. You are a God who does what is right, and you smooth out the path ahead of them. Lord, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws; our heart’s desire is to glorify your name." - Isaiah 26:7-8
I called the attorney who mailed me those papers the next day and we spoke. He informed me that since he wasn't representing me, he couldn't talk too much about the situation. Initially, I think he was ready to receive an earful. I think he fully expected to be confronted by a woman filled with anger and rage. I was hurt. I wasn't angry. I was too hurt to be angry. Sorrow took up every part of my heart, and I just wanted him to know that this wasn't my decision. I knew he couldn't do anything about it, but I wanted him to understand that this wasn't what I wanted. He quickly changed his tone and he agreed to speak with me and answer any questions I had. Before all was said and done, I'm fairly certain I spoke more to him than the individual he was representing. He didn't give me any legal counsel. He didn't tell me what I needed to do, but he took the time to reminded me that God had a greater plan than I could fathom. He said, "I know you don't see it now, but one day you'll look back and you'll be glad." He was right.
There aren't many good reasons to get a divorce, but I really felt that there was absolutely no reason in my case. And so I tried. I tried everything under the sun to turn things around. I groveled, I begged, I threw myself out there over and over and over again. I promised to change any and everything I needed to change. To be a better person. I asked for forgiveness, I offered forgiveness, I pulled out every stop I could think of. I pleaded with God, I sought counsel, I had every Godly person I knew lifting my circumstances up in prayer. And on October 20, 2011, the decision to file for divorce was made regardless of how I felt about it.
I blamed myself. If only I had been better. If only I had been nicer, more patient, more fun and adventurous. If only I had said this and not said that. If I had done things differently, this would have never happened. It was all my fault, I thought. And I kicked myself over and over again because I thought, "If I could just go back, I can make everything better." But the truth is, we can only do what we can do. We only know what we know. And when we're faced with choices, we're responsible for the path we choose. In the end, we have to answer for the decisions we've made, right or wrong. I was challenged by that fact, and I realized that how I handled things on my end was what I would be held accountable for.
Well, three years later, I'm not sorry I tried. I am not sorry that I put myself out there only to end up facing the ultimate rejection despite my best efforts. I'm not sorry that I let myself be so vulnerable. I'm not sorry that I allowed my heart to stay soft and malleable even though that meant it hurt a little more. I'm not sorry that I cared, and I'm not sorry that I hung in there until the bitter end. Because I fully believe that through it all, God's power was reflected. Had I reacted to the divorce like the world expects, it really would have been all for nothing. The truth is, it's easy to be angry and bitter when you're hurt. It's easy to spew ugly words and tear people apart. It's easy to play the blame game and refuse to accept truth. No one is ever surprised to hear someone make hateful comments about a person who wounded them. We expect that kind of stuff, really. And if that person doesn't make a negative comment, then we make the comment for them. It feels justified. It feels natural. But I really wanted God to use this situation for a greater purpose somehow, someway, and I figured that if God wasn't going to be glorified through the dissolving of that marriage, I was going to do my best to make sure He was glorified through my life. Even though I was humiliated, I made the decision that I was going to walk the path before me as gracefully as I could. I was going to choose to honor God even though I didn't fully understand. I had no control over my circumstances, and that was evident. And so the only thing I could control was me. I could choose to draw near to God, to lean on Him, to trust in Him and have faith in His plan, or I could give up on Him. I could choose to rebel, to be angry, to blame Him, and to walk away from Him. I'm so grateful I chose the way I did because although the path was not easy, the journey has been sweet. Blessings have accompanied me even on the hardest of days, and if that was the path that God choose to use to get me to where I am, I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Every step has been well worth it, my friends, every single step.
#999 - For every single step of the way.
"But for those who are righteous, the way is not steep and rough. You are a God who does what is right, and you smooth out the path ahead of them. Lord, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws; our heart’s desire is to glorify your name." - Isaiah 26:7-8