Perfectly Planned

I had my life all planned out.

Perfectly.

Not only the big picture, but all the details in between.

I was going to marry right out of college, begin a family the year after that, space my three children exactly two years apart, and have my happily ever after tied up with a pretty bow years before my thirtieth birthday.

By the time I turned twenty-one, it all appeared the plan was right on track.

Until things took a sharp turn.

I hadn’t accounted for, or even expected, the massive amounts of stress and misery that pressed in around me, and every time I managed to break the surface, I took in gasping breaths of disappointment.

I was supposed to have it all. A happy marriage, a beautiful family, and a successful and lucrative career. Never mind the recession of 2008 was decimating the job market. Whatever, I could find a different job if I wanted. And, frankly, I wanted to. But what really bothered me was the thing I wanted most, even more than a career, no longer interested me.

The idea of holding an arm load of precious children began to repulse me. The desire had entirely evaporated, and in its absence was a pit full of confusion and questions.

Questions that were quickly answered as I sat in shambles two months after my twenty-fourth birthday, attempting to piece back together my shattered heart.

My plan never included divorce. It also did not include rebuilding my life or spending years of misery in a career field that never truly satisfied.

But I am so thankful that all of my plans never came to fruition.

Because I had planned in ignorance, all the while failing to pray in diligence and respond in obedience.

I expected God to go along with my timeline, blessing each step as if it were His own. I had ignored His promptings, forced my way, and I am forever grateful that, in His infinite wisdom, He began removing desires and not allowing opportunities.

He knew the big picture. What was coming down the pipeline.

And He still does.

A truth I remind myself often these days. That while there are many plans stored up in my own heart, it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 21:19) What a relief. Because I don’t know what tomorrow holds. Or the next week. Or the next season. All I know is where I am right now, and because of that, I must fully trust God’s guidance and leading into the future.

Even when it doesn’t look remotely close to what I wanted or planned.

I kiss the sweet faces of my beautiful little girls and am often reminded that, had it gone my way, they wouldn’t be here. I would never experience the joy of this season, of motherhood. Or even the precious gift of knowing and loving them.

My life could have gone a hundred different directions. And I suppose it still can. But I am glad this is the path God chose. The one that prevailed.

And I’m choosing to believe that still, as I lay down my planner and follow after Him because He knows the way.