Reason #126

I started a new bible study last night.  A study about how encounters with Christ change our lives. And my life has been changed. I have encountered Him and will never be the same. So as I read along, I nodded my head in agreement until I stumbled across a sentence I didn’t particularly like. A sentence that was truth, but not one I wanted to hear. A truth I know full well, but a truth that bothers me now. And so God has been teaching me. Planting this truth in my mind and heart, trying to drive it home. This wasn’t a truth I struggled with until recently. A truth that I fully embraced and appreciated. A truth I preached. And even though I still believe it and preach it, I have a hard time liking it. And so I dreamed about it and I woke up feeling bothered. I have come to realize that He isn’t going to let me get out of this one.

I sat in church a few weeks ago and the pastor defined forgiveness for me. A definition that spoke to my heart. A definition I scribbled in the margin of my bible. Too good to forget. “Forgiveness is letting go of the resentment you’re entitled to.” I’m familiar with the word of forgiveness. “Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37) I was taught to forgive. If you do something wrong, you apologize and seek forgiveness. If you are wronged, you forgive. But unfortunately, God didn’t wire us to “forgive and forget” and often times we mouth the words “I forgive you,” but we don’t mean them. We’re just being polite, saying what is expected of us. And so I’ve searched this morning. Searched about forgiveness. Trying to understand this simple concept I’ve known about for years but still trying to grasp it.

“...and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.” (Matthew 6:12) And daily I’m grateful for that forgiveness, that life changing forgiveness. Thankful for grace that is greater than all my sin. But that’s where it stops. My sin. I’m grateful for a God who forgives my sins and changes my life by doing so. Who casts those sins as far as the east is from the west and remembers them no more. Forgive me, Father, for I know not what I am doing a majority of the time. And I don’t mind forgiving so much. I don’t mind uttering the words, “It’s okay” or “I forgive you.” But some times I want to be stingy with God’s forgiveness. Forgive me when I mess up. Wash me, cleanse me, make me whiter than snow. Change me from the inside out. But just do that for me. Selective grace. Selective forgiveness. And of course, select me. “For the wages of sin is death…” (Romans 6:23) and I deserve death day after day. But He paid it so I didn’t have to. He paid it so we didn’t have to. That means me, you, each of us. The wage was paid for every one of us, regardless of what we did, what we’re doing or what we are going to do. A price paid in advance and in full knowledge that unappreciative creatures would take advantage of it. Because if we died each time we sinned, maybe we’d be a little more careful about how we live our lives. But I realize how often my sin has led to death. Sin leads to death and I’ve seen it kill. Kill families, relationships, covenants, trust, personal witnesses. Sin kills and sometimes we do have to pay for it, maybe not with our lives, but there is always a price to be paid. And ultimately, if not by taking our own blood, our sin took His.

And Jesus said it in that model prayer. “Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those…” and He keeps reminding me that, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15) And I so desperately need His forgiveness and I am coming to realize that we all do. Sure, this isn’t a novel idea by any means. This isn’t a new concept, but it’s a hard one. “If you forgive those who sin against you,” those who wrong you, those who hurt you. If you give up that resentment you’re entitled to, let it go, forgive, you won’t forget, but forgive, it’s more than just saying “It’s okay.” Because sometimes it’s not okay. And sometimes, from human perspective, we most definitely deserve to be angry and resentful. But what if God did that to us? What if He decided when to forgive us? What if he chose certain things to forgive us for rather than forgiving it all? Because if anyone is entitled to resentment, if anyone has a good excuse to hold a grudge, it’s the innocent one we crucified. “Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you forgive them all.” (Psalm 65:3)

And so He forgives us. Cleans us off, washes us, we’re changed and He can do mighty things with new creatures. And He does that with each one of us. And here is where the shame sets in and I’m embarrassed that I’m revealing one of my deepest, ugliest struggles. But maybe I’m not the only one who feels this way. I want to be forgiven, I want my life to be changed, I want my sin to be remembered no more. I want Him to do a great and mighty thing with this new creature. But then there’s that word “those.” And I thank God for forgiveness. I’m thankful that He is just and that we all receive the same amount of forgiveness. I’m glad that He can change any life and get the glory from it. But I start to worry and I start to feel entitled. Selfish and stingy and not wanting “those” to have that cool life changing story because of my involvement in the story. Forgive them but don’t forget it. Remember it, if possible. A high price that should be personally paid. Cast my sins away but keep the sins of “those” at the forefront. And I realize what a wretched creature I am. I always pray that God would get the glory in everything, make Himself known. And how self-centered that prayer has become. I should rejoice that He changes hearts. Praise Him that He always forgives. Celebrate the lives that have been changed for the better. Be grateful that He can and will turn any life around, wash any soul clean. Thank Him that He’ll do it for each one of us when we ask Him to. “O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.” (Psalm 86:5)

So I sit with eyes full of tears and a heart that is overwhelmed. A lump burns in my throat and I praise Him that He doesn’t allow me to be defiant. I thank Him that He deals with me when I need it. Rather it be through bible studies or dreams, I praise Him for making me uncomfortable, for revealing to me more and more of that truth I keep praying and asking for. And I thank Him that through it all, with each revelation, He is changing me. Teaching me. Creating something new.

And I am forever indebted to the one who keeps forgiving me. To the one who sees the ugliness of a sinful heart and doesn’t allow it to stay that way. To the one who doesn’t let me believe the lies. And I’m ever so grateful for the times He speaks to me, even if it’s a tough word to hear.

#126 – Because He forgives us. All of us. Every time.

^“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.” – Colossians 3:12-14


^“If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.” – 1 John 1:8-10