Reason #320

Mirror, mirror on the wall, why do you have to be so honest after all?

 

Just when I think I’ve gotten it down, when I feel like all is finally right, I look in that mirror and I don’t like what I see. And I don’t mean uncooperative hair, ill-fitting clothes, or troublesome skin. I mean deep within. Some times I get a dose of reality, a wake-up call, and I don’t like the reflection staring back at me.

 

I ate a huge slice of humble pie last year. It didn’t taste good, either. And, truthfully, it was the first time I had really ever been humbled. But it did me good. Because during that time, I learned an incredible amount of truths about myself. I was forced to confront a lot of things that I had never thought of or even considered. And, much against my best wishes, I feel as if another slice of humble pie has been cut and set in front of me and I don’t want to eat it. I don’t want to even look at it. Because I know what this means. I know what will happen if I take a bite. I’ll have to admit more things and confront more issues that I don’t want to. I’ll have to honestly reflect and evaluate myself. It’s not an easy process nor is it enjoyable.

 

Truth be told, I often times feel like I’ve already had to do enough changing, growing and refining over the past year. Some times, I feel as if I should be given a nice little break to rest. But maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’ve cut myself slack and I’ve forgotten what I learned. I’ve started sliding back into my old ways, and so another slice must be served as a reminder, I suppose.

 

This is where I struggle. A fight I fought long and hard to overcome and I feel back in the middle of the battle. Insecurity, inadequacy, failure, imperfection. I thought I had overcome these things, but I guess I was wrong. And so I begin to look at them and I feel overwhelmed. I also feel a tad frustrated that they’ve returned and that I didn’t successfully defeat them the first go around. But life is a learning process that never ends, and I have to remember that. And, on this side of Heaven, I’ll never have it all down.

 

So I remember what I had to do, my only tactic that worked each time. I would run to Him. Humbly lay it all down at His feet and ask for help. Because here’s what I learned as I choked down that piece of humble pie. No one can fill an empty hole like He can. No one can make you feel whole like He can. No one can replace worthless feelings with actual worth like He can. There’s no one who can quiet my soul, comfort my aches, sooth my anxiety, and refresh my spirit like He can. No one can love me and take care of me like He can. No one can show me truth like He can. He is unmatched. And my heart is heavy even admitting that I allowed myself to forget that. My heart is heavy that, for one of the first times in a long time, this wasn’t my first response. Because this should always be my only tactic. Like the saying goes, “We can’t control the world’s reactions but we can control our responses.”

 

And so I’m grateful to serve a God who forgives. A God who is slow to anger and quick to love. One who has taught me so much, and even when I become absent minded, is still so gracious to work with me and remind me of what all I learned. A merciful Father who stands with arms open and picks me up when I return with a tear-streaked face and heavy heart. One who shows compassion and kindness, always. And I’m thankful that each and every time, He will remind me of who I truly am. Of who He created me to be. Of the purpose He has placed in me. And, I praise Him, for that. For having a purpose for a really simple, really flawed, really emotional human being. For considering her valuable and for loving her enough to make sure His will is accomplished… even if it does require a piece of pie, or two, every now and then.

 

 

#320 - Because He is always full of compassion.

 

"The Lord is good to everyone. He showers compassion on all his creation." - Psalm 145:9