Reason #321

It’s funny how you can grow to really love something in such a short amount of time. How you can go from not having it to not being able to imagine yourself without it. And you almost forget what life was like before it existed, before it played such a significant role in your life, before it changed your life.

 

I felt really alone. I had sweet friends and an amazing family, but I just felt like such an outsider. I felt like my life was over and I would never find a place where I would belong. I didn’t know how to pick the pieces up and start over, either. I didn’t know where to begin and it seemed too overwhelming for me to even think about. And so my prayer was pretty simple really. I just wanted to place to fit in, I wanted a place where I felt welcomed and like I belonged. I didn’t want pity or sympathy, I wanted to be accepted for who I was, I wanted to be able to be myself, and, most of all, I wanted to be used.

 

I finally mustered up enough courage to email the pastor at my church about an opportunity, and he shared with me that I could be a “wounded healer.” Me? Really? Because I didn’t think I could offer much. But God was stirring in my heart making it very clear the task He was assigning me. I knew what He was prompting me to do, I just wasn’t sure I was the most capable person to do it. Interesting what we see when we look at ourselves, isn’t it? Because I felt like in order to do carry out such a mission successfully, I needed to be dynamic. I needed to have a strong and magnetic personality. I needed to have a really perfect and spotless background. I needed to be an excellent hostess, eloquent speaker, bible theologian, and super servant who always had the right thing to say with a really perfect and genuine smile always plastered on my face. I needed to have a lot of connections and know a lot of people. I needed to be this “gentle lion” full of wisdom, and I needed speak with a really soft, sweet voice. I needed to have a witty sense of humor mixed with a hint of “coolness.” But that’s not me. I’m not dynamic and I don’t have a strong presence. While I am outgoing, I often have to fight the urge to be a wallflower around large groups of new people. I’m not perfect. I talk fast, say “um” a lot, don’t have a sweet sounding, soft voice. I have bad days and am not a good pretender at being happy if I don’t really feel it. I get down as easily as the next person. I stumble and am forgetful. I get busy and wear myself out. I don’t have a witty sense of humor, but do a good job of saying silly and awkward things that only I find humorous. I’m not as gentle of a lion as I should be. I would never even put myself remotely near the “cool” category. I don’t have an expanse knowledge of the bible, and I don’t do a good job of exemplifying what a servant looks like. I just didn’t see myself as the girl for this job. Thankfully, God views me differently.

 

Well, 6 months later, I found myself feeling a little melancholy as we met for our final bible study of 2012 last night. We talked about using our God-given gifts to bring glory to God’s name, and I was just so grateful that God allowed me this opportunity. That He gave me that group of friends I so desperately prayed for. Friends who have been quick to love and never judge. Friends who accepted me right off the bat. Friends who knew my full story, saw how imperfect I was up front, and didn’t hold it against me. Friends who taught me more than they realize. A group who helped turn my life around. People who have aided in my healing and helped make my life complete. Because this group isn’t perfect. In fact, not a single one of us is perfect. We don’t pretend to be either. We all know we’re far from it and we’ll never make it. But we love God and we love each other and so we’re just trying to honor Him, to get to know Him more, to make a difference, and to let Him change our lives. And it’s funny how God has assembled us. There’s no rhyme or reason of how He’s done it. There was no pattern, and truth be told, it was all done by Him. Our efforts, while purely good intentions, didn’t form this group or create the bond that has been established. It was Him, and it’s very obvious. Because He took two strangers who didn’t have it together but wanted something better than what they had, and He blessed their desires. It wasn’t always easy, it was a little exhausting, we had moments of tears and moments of forgiveness, but I can honestly say that it was well worth it.

 

And so if you’ve ever wondered how powerful God is, if He could really overcome obstacles, change lives significantly and use anyone in any way, just look at my life and you’ll see it. Look at our group, and you’ll see it. Because He took a girl who is made of flesh, a sinful creature who deals with pride and shame and selfishness and fear, and He used her. Me, He used me. Poured His spirit out on me and enabled me to do something I thought impossible. And I’m blown away that the God of the Universe would care that deeply for me, pay that much attention to me, to use me in this fashion. To give me a desire and then make it come to fruition. To blow any preconceived notion or false idea I had out of the water. To teach me through it and change my life because of it. I don’t feel worthy of such a thing, and many are the times that I still believe there are better people for the job, but I’m grateful that He chose me, broken and all, and used this group of fellow believers to make me feel whole again.

 

I suppose that’s the beauty of it all. The beauty of being young and in the middle of life. To be tangled in the unknown because you never know what’s next. When we started this group, we knew that would be the case. We knew lives would change drastically, jobs and careers would move us in and out, families would be established and expand, and life would just keep speeding up and moving full steam ahead. And so who knows what next year will look like. Who knows what is in store for each one of us. Because 6 months ago, I would have never imagined us here. But here we are, and here I am, completely humbled and amazed by what God has done for us, for me. And although things will change, new people will come, others will depart, I am forever grateful for each one of them. And years from now, we’ll be working and raising families and living life to the fullest, but I’ll remember them. How they made a difference in my life. How did I ever do without them? These people I will love forever, and I’m really, really grateful that when our time here is up, I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life with them!

 

#321 - Bible study!

 

"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." - Proverbs 27:17