Reason #380

 

I came home from church this afternoon and fell into bed. I was exhausted and in need of some serious rest. If I didn't get a nap, I was going to have to rent a valet cart to help move around the gigantic bags underneath my eyes. More than being physically exhausted, I was spiritually tired. If you've read any of my posts this week, this has been the recurring trend. So I just needed rest and I realized that the more tired I was physically, the more tired I was spiritually.

God is teaching me things about myself right now, and these are tough lessons I'm learning. Of course, it's about time that I'm learning them but the more the scales are removed from my eyes, the more I realize how wrong I have been. And, does anyone enjoy being wrong, after all? So I've been feeling really upset and disappointed with myself. I'm dealing with shame and the reality that I've got some ugly monsters in my closet. But until you go through situations, until you are on the other side, these lessons are rarely taught. Therefore, I'm having to learn the hard way.

I sort of feel like I've been given a taste of my own, bitter medicine. It burns and it's gross and I just want to throw it up. For about a year and a half now, I have been cauddled. God is so good to me. So sweet and loving and tender towards me, just as He is with any of His wounded children. Because I've been hurt and so it took time to heal. During the healing process I learned a lot about myself. Really, I learned mostly about how much I could endure. I learned about true faith, redemption, forgiveness, restoration, peseverance, and worth. I learned a lot about God during this time, too. But the healing season as served its purpose, as my heart has been pieced back together in a divinely orchastrated manner. Now, the Lord has moved me into a new season. Time to purge, time to look internally at the things that need fixing, and time to remove the things that are not of Him. I've been praying and asking for this, I just didn't realize it would be such a difficult process.

I used to be one of those people who figured everyone had the same mindset and convictions I had. I figured people viewed the world through the same tainted lenses I did, and if they didn't, well obviously they needed to check themselves. Because I was raised a certain way, and to me it all made sense. My beliefs seemed flawless and correct, or why else would I believe them? The people around me thought the same way I did, behaved the same way I did, and so it only made sense that the rest of the population should as well. Wrong. How self-righteous of me to believe that, but I did. And so when I saw things in people's lives that did not line up with what I believed or felt, judgement came into the picture. I didn't feel compassion or mercy towards them. I'll regretfully admit that I hardly felt sympathy. I never said a thing to their face, but in my heart I allowed tacky and ugly thoughts to take root and I didn't show God's love in any form or fashion.

Until it happened to me, I thought differently about things. Until it happened to me, I didn't understand. There was a time in my life when I would have said, "Divorce never just happens. It takes two to tango and anything can be worked through." But the truth is, things happen. Divorce does happen. It takes one person, a lawyer and a judge to see it through. Everything can be worked out if both want to work it out. But until I was faced with that situation, I felt little to no compassion or symapthy for someone who walked throught it. And this is only one of many scenarios. But now I'm on the other side of the fence. Now I am the one who has walked through a situation that did not line up with my beliefs. Ironic, huh? Now, I am the one on the receiving end. They know the big picture but I can't tell every detail of my story to the world. I can't make them see things from my perspective. And so my heart breaks thinking this has been me. I've been the one doing these things for so long. Rather than showing mercy, I've cast judgement. But here I sit, desperately wanting to receive mercy because now, I know how it feels.

This is a hard thing to admit. Something I'm definitely not proud of and incredibly ashamed of. How ugly, how tacky, how wrong I have been. But as I dwelled on this thought today, here's the word He planted into my mind: mercy. We never know the whole story, but God does. We never know why people ended up where they are or why they made the decisions they made, but God does. So who are we to judge based upon an action or a decision? How are we so qualified to determine what's right and wrong for each person on this planet? Each one of us is uniquely designed, thus giving us a unique relationship with the Lord, however, the one thing we all have in common is that He showers mercy upon us. He is generous to give and give and we should do the same because we've received it.

So I can't go back. I can't change the past or the thoughts I've had. But I can change going forward because now I know. And as hard as this lesson has been on me, I am so grateful that God is revealing this to me. I'm so grateful He is teaching this to me rather than allowing me to stay in my incredibly wrong, self-righteous ways. Mercy, it is shown to us so that we may show it to others. I praise Him for that. For showing me mercy even when I don't deserve it. For giving me the benefit of the doubt rather than casting judgement based upon a particular event or decision. And I'm grateful that He has given me the opportunity to really understand how it feels. Lesson learned, and I'm grateful that mercy really does triumph!

#380 - Because He has helped me to understand and know how mercy feels.

"Once you received no mercy; now you have received God’s mercy.” - 1 Peter 2:10