Reason #851

It must be nice to be perfect. To have it all together. I wouldn't know what that's like. I'm far from it. An imperfect perfectionist who falls short time and time again.

I struggle with being a good wife. Maybe I should clarify by saying I struggle with trying to be what I believe makes up a good wife. With wanting so desperately to be pleasing to my groom and hating myself when I mess up. When I lose my patience, when I say things I shouldn't, when my emotions go haywire, when I act selfishly, when I try to take control, when I am completely unlovable, and when I act unloving it's so easy to see where I go wrong. Sometimes it's hard for me to fathom being loved, you know. It's hard for me to really understand the way that Aaron sees me, which is completely opposite of how I see myself, thank goodness. Because I feel like I fail him more often than not. Like I do more wrong than right. And each day I pray, "Lord, help me to be a better wife" only to realize that this will probably be my prayer for the rest of my days because every day I need help being better. Every day I fall, and every day I realize that I can't be anything good on my own.

 

I looked for him but did not find him.
    I called him but he did not answer.
The watchmen found me
    as they made their rounds in the city.
They beat me, they bruised me;
    they took away my cloak,
    those watchmen of the walls!
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you—
    if you find my beloved,
what will you tell him?
    Tell him I am faint with love.

 

- Song of Songs 5:6-8

 

I find comfort in knowing I am not the only one. I am not the only wife who messes up. But sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes it feels like all of the other wives are doing a bang up job and I begin to feel sorry for my groom. Sorry that he married such an imperfect and broken bride. That his bride fails him, that she lets him down some days, that sometimes she hurts his feelings, and that she is as flawed as they come. But so was Solomon's wife. Solomon, the one with all the wisdom, chose a bride who was completely imperfect. And so I don't know what happened here. I don't know whose "fault" it was. I don't know why she's looking for him and can't find him, but there's usually a negative reason behind such a story. Yet look at what she does. In all of her imperfections, not caring what the world might think about her, she pursues her groom. She seeks him out. She heads out into the night, into the darkness and the danger, to find the one her soul loves. Because that's love, isn't it? Love takes the risk every time. Love looks for a way to win. Love doesn't give up. It searches relentlessly. At all costs, love pursues and it doesn't rest until reconciliation is complete. Love recognizes true value and love sees more than what meets the eye.

 

So we pursue our groom because that's what a good wife does. She might make him mad. She might make him want to pull out his... or her... hair sometimes. She probably won't meet a handful of his expectations, and she'll challenge him more than he likes. But she won't give up on him. She'll pursue him. She'll chase after him, run after him, regardless of the cost. Regardless of what others might think. Regardless of what the world tells her to do. She'll make sure her beloved knows she is on his side. That at the end of the day, she'll be there for him. That there is no one else in this world that could ever take his place. And so maybe that means running in the darkness and taking a risk. Maybe that means a lot of searching and seeking and even asking for help. But she'll do it because he is her beloved. The only one for her. And because that's what makes her a good wife.

 

#851 - For a groom who is worth the pursuit.

 

"...This is my beloved, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem." - Song of Songs 5:16